*** Note this was written in May 2019 for a Life University course called The Psychology of Forgiveness. I figured I may as well share this on a public platform because what good are the writing/thoughts if I just keep them to myself?
Introduction
Parenting can be the most stressful task a person ever does in his or her entire life. Instead of just having responsibility to take care of one’s self, a parent has the additional responsibility to take care of a little one. This requires more attention to detail, a heightened focus, and improved time management skills. Unfortunately, this also includes more moments that can be stress-ignitors too. And research suggests that children’s behavioral issues or development delays can only increase this stress (Barroso et al., 2017). Often, it leads to the destruction of a person’s inner peace. That does not have to be a required result though. The same tools to maintain inner peace for a non-parent apply in parenting as well; they are simply magnified. While going through the ups and downs of parenting, it is advised for people to dedicate themselves to inner peace maintenance. The maintenance includes accepting uncontrollable situations, limiting emotional outbursts, reducing anger, practicing patience, manifesting empathy, showing forgiveness, and overall emotional management control. These tools can prevent outside tension from causing internal tension, and stress can be reduced as a result. For the sake of a parent’s own quality of life, and the child’s life, inner peace maintenance should be a top priority.
Defining Inner Peace
The average person is better able to define outer peace than inner peace. When people think of peace in the world, they may think of non-violent compromise between people or groups of people. This is peaceful because tension is limited and both parties are seemingly content and able to function optimally. This definition is applicable to inner peace as well. When someone is internally peaceful, inner tension is limited and thinking is content both with circumstances in the outer world and also other thoughts. A person is free to function optimally knowing that there is no internal warfare inside of his or her brain. Internal peace involves a person’s mind compromising to be peaceful and to not be agitated, no matter what is going on. Every individual views inner peace as a desired state because it allows someone to approach life with more clarity and control. This increased control complements a free mind, and helps a person to function at an optimal level.
Analysis of Inner Peace Status
A person cannot maintain inner peace if he or she does not have it already. Therefore, recognizing one’s current level of internal peace is important. Self-reflection is key to determine how truly peaceful one’s mind is. It can also allow a person to see areas of strengths and areas of improvement in cultivating inner peace. Reflecting also empowers an individual to use what has worked previously to discover or maintain internal peace. Before a person seeks knowledge and tactics from the outside, searching on the inside and demonstrating wisdom is useful.
Looking at one’s current inner peace status includes evaluating what has previously worked in creating internal peace also. Experience can be the best teacher. Whether someone is a soon-to-be parent or has been a parent for decades, there was a time when every person was not a parent. During these times, inner peace most likely came easier. Though inner peace during this time was aided by the absence of the hard work called parenting, it was also created by actions. Self-reflecting on what those actions were is helpful. Ideally a person would have some degree of inner peace before becoming a parent, even if it is just a small degree. Determining what tools have worked previously is necessary prior to manifesting new techniques because past techniques can be combined with new techniques.
A part of the analysis of inner peace is also determining the motivations for wanting inner peace. These factors will help in a person’s commitment to internal peace. If a person is concerned with optimizing their physical health, then that could be a motivating factor since inner peace has been shown to yield positive physical health benefits (Tendhar, 2014). Perhaps a person’s inner tension is leading to frustration, which damages parenting in that the parent becomes frustrated at every little thing a child does. Or maybe a person’s inner tension brings forth sadness, which leads to a depressed state and the parent not participating in fun activities with the child as a result. Having these motivating factors in mind is helpful because when difficulties arise that challenge one’s internal peace, they can be thought about and used to inspire.
The Psychology of Control
A huge obstacle to achieving inner peace is not differentiating accurately what can be controlled and what cannot. A wise person understands all of the instances that are uncontrollable. These include the past, outside events, and other people to an extent. A parent’s resistance to accepting the past will definitely lead to internal violence. Some parents may excessively dwell on positive times from the past such as when the child was a cute newborn, or they may dwell on seemingly negative times from the past such as when the child was a misbehaving toddler. Either way, it does the mind no good to live outside of the present moment and into the past. Because the past cannot be changed. It is okay of course to briefly reminiscent on past moments, but too much time is destructive because it takes one’s focus off of appreciating the present moments with the child. And too much focus on past negative moments puts a person in a negative frame of mind when navigating the present. To maintain maximum alertness on the present moment, and maintain positivity with it, accepting the past is necessary. This frees a person’s mind to compromise on living presently and optimizing what is current.
The second area of life that is uncontrollable are outside events. Many people, parents specifically, let pain on the outside reach the inside. But, it does not have to always be that way. It is a parental duty to take ownership of their mindset in all circumstances. Perhaps a parent was planning on buying some clothes for the child, but the weather outside unexpectedly turned into a blizzard overnight. If the parent allows this uncontrollable outside event to get under his or her skin, that would disrupt internal peace. The parent may be in a frustrated mood for the whole rest of the day, and not parent effectively as a result. It is suggested that parents take these seemingly stressful outside events in, and not let it turn them stressful. That should be the goal if someone is concerned with maintaining internal peace.
A child is a parent’s responsibility. However, a child cannot be controlled 100%. Of course, a child’s actions can be controlled to an extent. But, there’s always a percentage that is uncontrollable and a parent’s opposition to that fact can be a major source of internal conflict. Say for example, a child is 15 years old and has trouble waking up on time for school. Perhaps the child was late multiple days in the past week. Although a parent can control minimizing factors that lead to the child being late, the parent ultimately has to recognize the child’s responsibility to wake up on time. Not only due to the child having to grow up and for the parent to avoid being a helicopter parent, but also for the parent’s own peace of mind sake. Worrying and stressing too much over the child’s action will only contribute to internal warfare in a person’s mind. Therefore, it is recommended that in certain situations, a parent has to come to terms with areas of limited control surrounding another person’s actions – even if it is the child.
Anger Elimination
Anger and internal tension go together; sometimes anger results in a reduction of inner peace, and sometimes a lack of inner peace leads to anger. Either way, anger is a trait to be avoided for those concerned with inner peace maintenance. Firstly, it is advised to thoroughly understand the connection between anger and the psychology of control. Many instances of anger arise due to not accepting uncontrollable circumstances, including the past and other people. As noted by the Dalai Lama in Healing Anger, the most destructive form of anger is in the form of hatred, which he describes as “a misconception of the nature of reality” (The Dalai Lama, 1997, p. 28). The idea is that hatred for any situation is a total reflection of the person’s own internal processes, usually due to an ill-advised conception of the present. For a person dedicated to maintaining internal peace, hatred serves minimal purpose and should be avoided at all costs.
So start there. Even if someone develops feelings of anger, it is key to avoid any hatred that goes along with it because that would exponentially destroy any trace of internal peace. For example, perhaps a parent sees that their 4 year old is running around the house routinely and disobeying orders to stop. Developing feelings of hatred toward the child’s action and having anger does not help the situation. Of course communicating assertively and passionately to the child to stop running around can be necessary, but that is different than letting the situation get to a person internally. If a parent lets this situation cause negative mental buildup, that by definition would reduce any inner peace, which would result in a parent not thinking optimally to address the situation. The key here is to recognize the logic outlined that losing one’s cool has a direct correlation to inner peace destruction.
The message is to closely monitor one’s reactions toward situations. Take note of the fact that “one’s pain is one’s own creation” (The Dalai Lama, 1997, p. 55). Parents have total control over expressions of anger, both externally and internally. An exercise to participate in is an analytical meditation session in which an individual visualizes when a friend or close family member loses his or her temper (The Dalai Lama, 1997, p. 44). The key task in this exercise is to vividly imagine this situation and how the person appears. In this exercise, take note of how the person’s energies are coming off and recognize the negative shift in the environment that is created. Then, a person may be better able to see how anger looks unappealing and unpleasant on a person. Self-reflecting on one’s own experiences can be useful and a commitment to never become like the person in the visual could be made.
Building up Inner Peace through Patience, Compassion, and Empathy
Avoiding instances of anger is ideal to maintain inner peace. But ideally, this would be combined with the other side of coin: Practicing patience, compassion, and empathy. Because similar to how fulfillment in life is not simply the absence of the negative, peace of mind is not simply the absence of negative emotions such as anger. Peace of mind also includes utilizing positive characteristics to build up one’s internal peace force to be prepared for the external battle that is inevitable. Because just eliminating anger is a short-term solution; in moments when negative anger is desperate to return, a person would ideally have positive mental weapons to fight back. Every individual is tested and persuaded to lose internal peace; that is why strengthening positive tools is so valuable.
When there is a highly tense situation externally, there is great temptation to become visibly rattled and become angry to perhaps change the situation positively. But even in these moments, it is advisable to “generate patience and tolerance” and use those characteristics to assertively address the situation (The Dalai Lama, 1997, p. 119). Patience is a pillar of strength during these moments and is not synonymous at all with remaining passive or not doing anything. Patience shows a keen awareness to remain firm, and allows a person to analyze next steps wisely without letting emotions cloud judgement. Often, impatience can lead to a person making an ill-advised decision that he or she may regret later on. This perspective on patience has value in a parenting context.
In the example outlined previously of a four year old running around the house, a parent can choose to develop anger and hate when addressing the situation or the parent can choose to utilize patience and understanding. Long-term, patience is the optimal strategy to maintain peace of mind. This patience is not in the form of letting the child get away with the misbehavior, but it can be in the form of taking deep breaths to gather one’s self before communicating with the child. If the parent comes at the child aggressively and in rage, most likely the message will not be well received. But, if the parent thinks critically on how to address the misbehavior, communicates with the child calmly, and provides a clear consequence for the misbehavior, that would most likely yield to an optimized outcome. This is not only an optimal outcome in perhaps limiting the child’s behavior, but it will allow a parent to preserve his or her most valuable possession – peace of mind. So, practicing patience has multiple advantages and often all parties involved are better off.
In the above example, patience is not the only positive character trait at a parent’s disposal in inner peace maintenance. Compassion, or “a state of mind that is nonviolent and non-harming, or nonaggressive” aids a parent in resisting any internal tension buildup (The Dalai Lama, 1997, p. 3). A parent’s initial reaction when a child is misbehaving may be to become enraged; this may include emotions of hatred, no matter how small. Simply not having hatred toward a child is not enough during moments like these though. A parent should also proactively create compassion. If a child is running around the house, a parent should act curious with an understanding ear as to the reason why. Showing concern and care for the child acting out is helpful in determining the cause of the outburst and a plan going forward. If the parent simply displayed patience, but not compassion, that may not fully address the situation and may just postpone the tension. By utilizing compassion also, both the parent and child can get into a more productive mental space going forward. This compassion helps in strengthening a parent’s internal peace.
Empathy is another positive trait that aids a person in the pursuit of internal peace. Putting one’s self in another person’s mind and experiencing his or her perspective is directly helpful in cultivating peaceful attitudes. Empathy ties in with compassion, particularly during the seemingly stressful moments of parenting. Often, empathy allows a person to see that misbehaviors often do not arise from malicious intention, but instead arise “out of carelessness or a lack of sensitivity” (The Dalai Lama, 1997, p. 52). In the example used previously, a parent can use empathy to recognize that the child does not realize the effects of his or her actions. Perhaps the child does not see the correlation between him or her running and objects being knocked down, or the noise annoying the parents. By combining empathy and compassion, a parent can address child misbehaviors more purposefully and maintain inner peace in the process.
Empathy and compassion are also tied to unconditional love in a parenting context, which all together strengthen internal peace. When a parent empathizes with a child, then that is a demonstration of love. The parent is not caring what the child thinks so the parent looks better for his or her own ego, but the care is specifically to benefit the child. This unconditional love and service to the child, enhanced through empathy, contributes to inner peace because it puts the mind in a natural state of cooperation and healing (Sol, 2019). The constant love on a parent’s mind helps to fight off any lure of hatred or negative emotions. Instead of getting intoxicated from destructive emotions such as anger, hatred, or fame, a parent nourishes his or her mind with love. Inner peace is strengthened.
The Psychology of Forgiveness
As previously explained, inner peace is maintained effectively by handling adverse situations with patience, compassion, and empathy. Tied in with those traits is forgiveness. When misbehaviors do arise during parenting, perhaps from a child, a parent has to be conscious of any resulting negative emotional buildup. For any person, holding onto hurt or anger from a situation is not logical because it only harms a person in fully taking advantage of the present moment. This negative effect is multiplied for parents because parenting requires a parent to mentally be in the best space possible to properly attend to a child. A stressed out parent cannot possibly parent to his or her highest capabilities. Therefore, any hurt should be flushed away by available means. That means is ultimately forgiveness, which has been shown to reduce health risks and specifically greatly reduce an individual’s stress levels (Worthington & Scherer, 2004). A reduction of stress better focuses a parent’s mind, and directly leads to more effective internal cooperation of thoughts.
In the scenario outlined previously, it would be ill-advised for a parent to maintain hurt from the child misbehaving and perhaps knocking over a tray of cookies while running through the house. It does little good going forward to hold onto that baggage. Forgiving the child proactively, and releasing the hurt will empower the parent to take control of the present moment and take action to avoid a repeat situation in the future. Forgiveness in this situation increases mindfulness because a parent is better able to direct energies onto the present moment, having released the negative emotion from the past action of the child knocking over the cookie tray. This is helpful because research suggests that forgiveness and mindfulness are key factors in improving a person’s mental and physical health (Webb et al., 2012). A parent would be wise to both prioritize limiting negative emotional traits and also manifest positive emotional traits to maintain inner peace.
The Child’s Inner Peace
Having focused exclusively on the parent’s inner peace maintenance, this paper will now explore how the parents’ inner peace affects the child’s inner peace. As previously explained, the reduction of internal conflict due to inner peace maintenance allows a person to utilize optimal thinking. Because parenting entails so many unexpected and diverse situations, this is critical. A parent needs to develop peace of mind to think rationally and critically during these situations. Peace of mind improves psychological flexibility and allows a parent to more successfully think on his or her feet. Obviously, this is directly correlated to benefiting the child because a parent can better implement successful strategies, particularly during unexpected moments that arise during parenting.
For example, in the previously mentioned example, perhaps the parent’s strategy of using empathy and compassion when communicating with the child results in the child understanding that acting reckless serves no purpose. In the future, the child may be more respectful of his or her movements, and more tolerant of not bothering other people. This would lead to less conflict with his or her peers, and more peaceful cooperation with others. Research has also suggested that inner peace and outer peace support and strengthen each other (Alexander, 2019). Outer peace often strengthens inner peace because less conflict externally reduces tension internally, while internal peace makes a person less susceptible to external tension and conflict. Therefore, the child’s inner peace long-term would be strengthened as well simply from the child’s outer world having reduced tension. This result would be directly caused from the parent’s successful parenting strategy, as part of the parent’s inner peace maintenance plan.
Although the above correlation is valid, there is an even more direct correlation between a parent’s inner peace maintenance and a child’s inner peace. The correlation is manifested through a child modeling a parent’s behaviors. Children may not always listen to what parents have to say, but research suggests that they generally follow the actions of parents (Trost & Loprinzi, 2011). In the aforementioned example of the child running around the house carelessly, if the parent shows anger and a lack of inner peace, the child will see that response and adopt the hysteria. This may be manifested in the moment with the child losing his or her cool from the parent’s response. Most worrisome is that the child may view the parent’s response as normal. The child may make the correlation that when something is annoying, a person should then be visibly angry and in an emotional destructive mood. If a child believes that, then the child will then become angry, frustrated, and lack inner peace during future moments that are filled with tension or adversity. This negative habit can all be avoided if a parent instead decides to approach a child’s misbehaviors and every seemingly stressful external moment from a place of inner peace maintenance. This will communicate to the child the importance of reacting calmly and peaceful in these sort of situations. Long-term, that will put the child on the right track in his or her cultivation of inner peace.
Conclusion
Inner Peace maintenance is a challenging task. However, when much is given, much is required. Not only are parents people also, and thus given the gift of life to live. But parents are also given the gift of a child, and have the responsibility to prioritize inner peace maintenance for the sake of the child. As outlined, a parent’s inner peace maintenance directly influences a child’s inner peace. Parents should reflect deeply on motivations to develop inner peace, and then do the mental work required to maintain it. As the Dalai Lama notes, “the stronger one’s enthusiasm the greater the ability to withstand the hardships encountered in the process” (The Dalai Lama, 1997, p. 5). The same holds true for the ability to maintain inner peace. Passion is a key factor in inner peace maintenance for parents.
Parents must stay committed to maintain inner peace no matter what happens. It may seem daunting to completely take control of one’s internal peace, but parents have a duty to rise up to the challenge and be enthusiastic about doing so. As the Dalai Lama once stated, it is possible to “purify or eliminate all of these negative emotions” such as anger, hatred, and doubt (The Dalai Lama, 1997, p. 12). Eliminating destructive forces looking to attack one’s inner peace is a critical step. Combining this elimination with actively encouraging positive emotions such as patience, compassion, empathy, and forgiveness gives parents useful tools to protect inner peace. Nothing is more important than a person’s peace of mind. And therefore, the efforts outlined in this paper provide a valuable blueprint for parents to maintain their peace of mind and in turn, maximize the effect of their parenting.
References
Alexander, C. N. (2019). Peaceful Body, Peaceful Mind, Peaceful World. Retrieved from https://research.mum.edu/maharishi-effect/peaceful-body-peaceful-mind-peaceful-world-by-charles-n-alexander/
Original Source: Modern Science & Vedic Science, Volume 5, Numbers 1-2, 1992, Special Issue
Barroso, N. E., Mendez, L., Graziano, P. A., & Bagner, D. M. (2017). Parenting Stress through the Lens of Different Clinical Groups: A Systematic Review & Meta-Analysis. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology,46(3), 449-461. doi:10.1007/s10802-017-0313-6
Lama, D. (1997). Healing anger: The power of patience from a Buddhist perspective. Delhi: Motilal Banarsidass Publ
Sol, M. (2019, April 17). What is Unconditional Love and Why Do We Desperately Need It? Retrieved from https://lonerwolf.com/what-is-unconditional-love/
Tendhar, Thupten, “INNER-PEACE AND PHYSICAL HEALTH: PEACE OF MIND AND PHYSICAL HEALTH AMONG RHODE ISLAND OLDER ADULTS” (2014). Open Access Master’s Theses. Paper 304.
Trost, S. G., & Loprinzi, P. D. (2011). Parental Influences on Physical Activity Behavior in Children and Adolescents: A Brief Review. American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine,5(2), 171-181. doi:10.1177/1559827610387236
Webb, J. R., Phillips, T. D., Bumgarner, D., & Conway-Williams, E. (2012). Forgiveness, Mindfulness, and Health. Springer Science Business Media,1-11.
Worthington Jr., E. & Scherer, M. (2004): Forgiveness is an emotion focused coping strategy that can reduce health risks and promote health resilience: theory, review, and hypotheses, Psychology & Health, 19:3, 385-405